英文作文，請問有沒錯要改

may_ag · 發表於 21/5/2010 06:05 PM

本帖最後由 may_ag 於 22/5/2010 11:06 AM 編輯

Nowadays people often complain that they face many different challenges and under a lot of pressure. Some of them find difficult to make friend ,live with his family or get a suitable job.
I am writing to give them some suggestion.

If you feel lonely and impossible to make new friends,the following keys is good for you.
when you do not have common topic with others ,you may start a conversation by taking about the current affairs. Moreover,you can try more board games,ball games or volunteer works .They will provide a precious opportunity for you to make friends. Since you can meet lot of people in these activities and these activities will be the common topics between you and others. If you friend have excuses for not seeing you,you no need to feel remorseful. Everyone has right to choose his friends,you may just forget about them and find more news friends.

Some teenages will be treated as a child by their parents . It makes these teenages feeling that their parents are driving them mad. If you are in such situation. Firstly,you should put yourself in to your parents' shoe. It is not novel but it will be useful throughout your life. Your should understand that your parents really love you and want to take care of you. I know that you feel not good but
they indeed love you .I suggest that you may write a letter to your parents , express your feeling ,tell them what you need.Do not forget to start with thank ,it can make them read you letter with dissolve hearts . On top of that ,you should let your parents know that your are mature enough,you can prepare a dinner for you family or do any housework for them. Therefore they will know that you are able do many things in your life and you are mature enough to look after yourself.

The unemployment rate in high in Hong Kong. If you are worrying about get what kind of jobs,
there are three domain you should consider:your ability ,your interest and salary of the jobs.
Every job have its' own requirements,if you do not satisfied those requirements ,you can not get this job unless you change yourself. On the other hand ,It is hard for you to do a job if you do not interested in it at all . You will lost your commitment and work with low efficiency. You will get bad temper every day . Last but not the least,the salary must cover the cost of living,otherwise you will suffer financial difficulty. These three point is essential when you finding a job. You should not give up any of them because of the others. you can search the website of The Labour Department ,check if there are any jobs which is suitable for you.

Generally,There are some more method to reduce pressure,such as massage,aromatherapy and acupuncture. You will feel easier and be optimistic to face the challeng after reducing the pressure.
I hope that it is helpful.

ho915 · 發表於 21/5/2010 09:19 PM

本帖最後由 cfh 於 21/5/2010 09:46 PM 編輯

我讀中中的, 英文也不是很好
我主要睇你grammar
structure, meaning唔多睇
用電腦做proof-read真係好晒精神x0x

underline=已改/已加
粗字=刪唔刪都得/改唔改都得/唔知洗唔洗改
紅字=刪/有問題

L4
If you feel lonely andit isimpossible to make new friends,the following keysaregood for you.
when you do not haveanycommon topic(s) with others ,you may start a conversation by taking about the current affairs
L6
Since you can meetalot of people in these activities and these activities(which) will be the common topics between you and others. If yourfriendshave excuses for not seeing you,you no need to feel remorseful.
L8
Everyone has right to choose his friends,youcanjust forgetabout(x) them and find more news(x)friends.
L9
It makes these teenages feeling(x)that their parents are driving them mad. If you are in such situation.If you are in such situation
, you should firstput yourself in to your parents' shoe. It is not novel but it will be useful throughout your life.  Your should understand that your parents really
love you and want to take care of you(有點多餘,照顧也不一定對你好). I know that you feel not good but
they indeed love you .I suggest that youshould(suggest that後必should或omit佢) write a letter to your parents , expressingyour feeling ,tellingthem what you need.Do not forget to start with thanks
, they can read you letter with dissolve hearts through it.  On top of that ,you should let your parents know that your are mature enough,likeyou can prepare a dinner
for you family or do any housework for them.  Therefore,they will know that you are abletodo many things in your life and you are mature enough to look after yourself.

冇轉折/過度, 無啦啦話失業率
The unemployment rateishigh in Hong Kong. If you are worrying about gettingwhat kind of jobs,
there are three domain you should consider:your ability ,your(x)interest and salary of the jobs.
Each job hasits own requirements,if you do not satisfythose requirements ,you can not get this job unless you change yourself. On the other hand ,It is
hard for you to do a job if you do not interested(x)in it at all . You will lost your commitment and work with low efficiency. You will get bad temper every day .
Last but notthe(x)least,the salary must cover the cost of living,otherwise you will sufferfromfinancial difficulty. These three pointareessential when you finding(x)a job.
You should not give up any of thembecause of the others.(唔明想講咩) you can search the website of The Labour Departmenttocheck if there are any jobs whichare
suitable for you.

Generally,There are some more methodsto reduceyourpressure, such ashavingmassage,aromatherapy(不懂這字,可數的話請變ies) and acupuncture. You will face the challeng easilly and optimisticcally after reducing the pressure.
I hope that it is helpful for you.(本身寫信幫朋友咩?)

PA · 發表於 21/5/2010 09:28 PM

略略看了點
"Some of them find difficult to make" 應改成"...find it difficult..." 或 "...find difficulties in making..."
"It makes these teenages feeling that..." make後面的verb是不用加ing的
"Since you can meet lot of people in..." 只有"a lot of"或"lots of"，沒有"lot of"的
"Every job have its' own requirements,if you.." its就已經有「它的」的意思，不用加" ' "，另外一句句字的完結應該用"."
"If you are in such situation. Firstly,you..."一句句字未完不應該用"."
"feel not good"應該是"won't feel good"
website應該是"click on to"而不是"search"

還有注意大細楷
注意"and"的用法
注意你有很多noun後面都忘了加"s"

最後我承認我沒看完全文...

ho915 · 發表於 21/5/2010 09:50 PM

略略看了點
"Some of them find difficult to make" 應改成"...find it difficult..." 或 "...find difficulties in making..."
"It makes these teenages feeling that..." make後面的verb是不用加ing的
"Since ...
木守宮的蛙糧-PA 發表於 21/5/2010 09:28 PM

登錄/註冊後可看大圖

skim&歸納得很好-v-

(本身未看已頭暈

)

hk56740 · 發表於 21/5/2010 10:09 PM

本人係讀英中既.
Nowadays people often complain that they face many different challenges andareunder a lot of pressure. Some of them finditdifficult to makefriends,live withtheir familiesor get a suitable job.
I am writing to give them somesuggestions.

If you feel lonely andfind that it isimpossible to make new friends,the following keysaregood for you.
When you do not haveanycommontopicswith others ,you may start a conversation bytalkingabout the current affairs. Moreover,you canparticipate inmore board games,ball games orvoluntaryworks .All of them canprovide preciousopportunitiesfor you to make friendssinceyou can meetlotsof people in these activities and these activitiesare probablythe common topics between you andtheothers. Ifyour friendshave excuses for not seeing you,youdon'tneed to feel remorseful. Everyone hastheright to choose hisor herfriends,you may just forget about them andmakemorenewfriends.

Someteenagersaretreated aschildrenby their parents . It makes theseteenagers feelthat their parents are driving them mad. If you are in such situation. Firstly,you should put yourself in to your parents' shoe. It is not novel but it will be useful throughout your life. Your should understand that your parents really love you and want to take care of you. I know that you feelunwellbut
they indeed love you .I suggest that you may write a letter to your parents to express your feeling and tell them what you need.Do not forget to start witha gratitude,it can make themfeel heart-warming. On top of that ,you should let your parents know that your are mature enough,likeyou can prepare a dinner foryourfamily or do any housework for them. Therefore,they will know that you are abletodo many things in your life and you are mature enough to look after yourself.

The unemployment rateishigh in Hong Kong. If you areworriedaboutgettingwhat kind of jobs,
there are threedomainsyou should consider:your ability ,your interest andthe salariesof the jobs.
Every job haveitsown requirements.If youcannotsatisfythose requirements ,youcannotget this job unless you change yourself. On the other hand ,It is hard for you to do a job if youarenot interested in it at all . You willloseyour commitment and work with low efficiency. You willbe furiousevery day . Last but notleast,the salary must cover the cost of living,otherwise you will sufferfromfinancial difficulty. These threepointsareessential when youarefinding a job. You should not give up any of thembecause of the others(唔知你想講咩).Youcansurfthe website of The Labour Departmenttocheck if there are any jobs whicharesuitable for you.

Generally,thereare some moremethodsto reduce pressure,such as massage,aromatherapiesand acupuncture. You willbe able to overcome the challenges more easily and optimisticallyafter reducing the pressure.
I hope that it is helpful.

fish · 發表於 13/6/2010 01:14 AM

嘛...趁未夠一個月就回覆一下吧
樓主發文讓人去評/改的話我是支持的, 而且我會鼓勵別人這樣做, 我亦覺得這行為是值得加分的

不過, 如果你是真的有心去學英文的話, 煩請發文前最少check一次grammar, 就算是用Microsoft Word 打文也好, 請起碼edit一次
我相信這裏沒有人是被你聘用的editor, 就算是一名editor, 都不會想去修改一篇最連基本的tense, spelling及大細楷都未修正的文, 更何況一堆fragments, run-on , organization, word choice, etc.
(run-on 也是fragment之一, 不過可以將之分開)
另外, 在別人給你意見後, 你要做是是去思考並去作出適當的修改, 不是「意見接受,態度照舊」或盲目地去接受別人的改正

嘛, 如果你想以我沒有改/評文來反駁我的話, 我告訴你, 上面的7個基本問題你全中, 其他的錯誤還包括article, pronoun, awkwardness, punctuation 等等
(若你不懂甚麼是run-on/ fragment 的話請自行去看wikipedia)

最後, 很抱歉, 雖然發文的動機是很好, 但這篇文令我不能加分

佳雅．小曉 · 發表於 13/6/2010 12:22 PM

本帖最後由佳雅．小曉於 13/6/2010 12:24 PM 編輯

趁還沒有鎖...馬後炮一下

想問LZ寫的是article還是letter to the editor?說真的兩種寫法差很遠...

Nowadays people often complain that they face many different challenges and under a lot of pressure. Some of them find( difficult )to make friend ,live with his family or get a suitable job.
I am writing to give them some suggestion.(for what?)
(P1-2 ARTICLE的寫法:避免使用I 這些由第一身出發的個人見解,可以寫成" Some suggestions are given as to ......"之類賓語被動的語句)
(Letter to the editor 下稱 LTTE:" I am writing to give them some suggestions as to help those people ......"即可ko introduction.當然啦,再brief啲都無問題)

If you feel lonely and impossible to make new friends,the following keys is good for you.
(w)hen you do not have common topic with others ,you may start a conversation( by )taking about the current affairs.(Moreover),[you can( try )more board games,ball games or volunteer works ](for what?).They will provide a precious opportunity for you to make friends.Since you can meet( lot )of people in these activities and( these activities )will be the common topics between you and others.(英文不適宜出現頂真句)[If( you )friend( have )excuses for not seeing you,](較中文化,宜重寫)you( no need )to feel remorseful. Everyone has( )right to choose his friends,you( may )just forget about them and( find )more news friends.
(suggestions 幾多,但問題反而不見了,無法講明問題的所在,英文作文marking好stupid....見你有一問一答才會高分....)

Some teenages( will be )treated as a child by their parents . It makes these teenages feeling that their parents are driving them mad.[If you are in such situation(.)(then?)](Firstly),you should put yourself in to your parents' shoe. It is not novel but it will be useful throughout your life. Your should understand that your parents really love you and want to take care of you. I know that you feel( not good )butthey indeed love you .I suggest that you may write a letter to your parents , express your feeling ,tell them what you need.Do not forget to start with( thank),it can make them read you letter with( dissolve[v.] )(adj.)hearts . On top of that ,you should let your parents know that your are mature enough,you can prepare a dinner for you family or do any housework for them. Therefore they will know that you are able do many things in your life and you are mature enough to look after yourself.
(firstly之後無左secondly, thirdly? 咁不如唔好用firstly,直接話"for instance"比例子出黎會更好...)
(比P2更能對答,但建議不多,寫信一項其實唔使咁長)

[( ...... )The unemployment rate ( in )high in Hong Kong. If you are worrying about get what kind of jobs,there are three( domain )you should consider your ability ,your interest and salary of the jobs.]
Every job have its' own requirements,if you do not(satisfied) ( )those requirements ,you can not get this job unless you change yourself. On the other hand ,It is hard for you to do a job if you do not interested in it at all . You will lost your commitment and work with low efficiency. You will get bad temper every day .( Last but not the least ),the salary must cover the cost of living(LZ你有讀過econ?

),otherwise you will suffer financial difficulty. These three point is essential when you finding a job. You should not give up any of them because of the others. you can search the website of The Labour Department ,check if there are any jobs which is suitable for you.

(主體P2-4....G型 mistakes 我就不太想執了...
我想你會不會介定清楚講述哪3個類型人士所面對的問題會比較好?雖然說一開始P1已經講了出來,但讀者感覺上你只是列出例子,而不是真正鋪設下文。)

Generally,There are some more( method )to reduce pressure,such as massage,aromatherapy and acupuncture. You will feel easier and be optimistic to face the challeng after reducing the pressure.
[I hope that( it )is helpful.]

(我到了最後才知道你這篇文章寫的是RELIEVE STRESS,麻煩LZ下次在一開頭就要寫清楚,我一直想著是不是關於STRESS,但文章中很少提及PRESSURE的問題,而主體第3段我認為如果能改為已經有Jobs所面對的stresses會較易寫,因為打工壓力比搵工壓力更明顯......)

useful words:obstacles,stressful,pressure,insane,relieve, take... for granted,cheerful,youngsters

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