English writing ---- the birds

darkwww

The birds

Today was the final day of my life in Form 6. I sighed deeply outside the gate of my school. Frankly speaking, I could remember nothing about my school life but the two birds once inside it.

In the school’s garden, there was a huge tree. He was a father who had two little children. His skin was always shiny and green. Even when winter came to attack him, he would not give up and would resist the cruel cold wind with his every power. Eventually, every tree was defeated except him. He was the shelter of his children, as well as mine.

Every day when I was wandering in the school during recesses, I could hear a sweet melody came from the tree. The little singers were two tiny birds. They gathered together in their nest every time I saw them, not even once I witnessed them in the sky, as if they were separated from the whole universe.

‘La la la…’ The sound was just as soft as a girl whispering her secret to her boyfriend. Everyone was concentrated on their studies or their balls. I was the only audience of their performance. I was totally bewitched by their fantastic song. I thought we were in the same world, the wonderful world of nature, though they might not pay attention to me for even a little moment, just like my schoolmates.

Once, driven by the curiosity, I climbed up the tree silently like a thief entering one’s home. Well, actually I was indeed an unwelcome guest of a family. I stopped climbing when I could see my beloved singers in eyes level. They looked so extraordinary and beautiful that I opened my mouth, with my entire courage, told them my true wish.

‘Would … would you like to be my friend?’

Without giving any reply, they moved their bright wings, which lining made my eyes hurt, and flew towards the blue, wide sky. That was the first time I saw them flying, but also the last time I glanced at their tiny bodies. I failed to stop my tears came out from my eyes and my heart was already flooded. They were so cold-blooded that they abandoned their father, and their faithful listener. They left us alone again.

Why? Why did they reject me like the others?

‘La la la…’ the birds’ melody surrounded my mind constantly until now. However, I no longer feel lighthearted. Instead, this icy song hit my heart’s wound every time like an endless suffering.


Would anyone kindly give me some suggestions to improve my writing ,please? Thanks a lot.

abbozto

So, finally an English writing here... I've been hoping to see one.

Well, a number of errors are found.
P2: He was the shelter of his children, as well asmine.
  Do you mean if you have children and the tree sheltered them? If not, it should be you whom the tree sheltered. If that's the case, 'me' should be used.
P3: I could hear a sweet melodycamefrom the tree.
  Whenever you use hear/ see/ watch, etc., the object is commonly followed by bare infinitives, which means you should use 'come' instead of 'came'. In addition, if the object lasts for a period of time (e.g. a melody), -ing forms could also be used.
P4: Everyonewas concentrated ontheir studies...
  Well, it should be the active voice used.
P7: I failed to stop my tearscameout from my eyes...
  There are 3 ways (as far as I know) to use 'stop' as a verb. First, you can stop doing something, meaning you do not do it now; second, you stop to do something, meaning you start to do it; third, you stop something (from) -ing, meaning you preventing something from occuring. (I'm not sure if there must be a 'from', so you have to check it.)

Um... I don't think I can spot all the errors, since I'm not sure if some are correct or not. You gotta ask your teacher about that.

Despite a good idea in the writing, a limited range of sentence structures is found. As a case in point, you start most sentences with 'I' in P4 and P5. The case in P4 might be modified to avoid boredom.

Being the only audience of their performance, I was totally...

It's better to avoid using too many adverbs at a place too. For example, in P5,

Well,actuallyI wasindeedan unwelcome guest of a family.

This would make the sentence too clumsy.

I suggest improving grammar as the first step. Considering past experience, a higher score is given if the writing contains a few errors only in spite of the inclusion of typical ideas. If the writing conveys a great and eye-catching idea, yet the appearance of errors in large quantity would result in a decline in impression mark and lower the total score of the writing.

darkwww

Thank you for reminding my grammartical mistakes. However, as I had to finish it before my sleep yesterday, I didn't have time to proofread my passage. If I had got enough time, most of the mistakes would have been corrected. Besides the grammartical mistakes, would you like to give me some advice regarding the content? Thanks a lot again for giving me your advice.

p.s. I was the only audience of their performance. I was totally bewitched by their fantastic song.

Will it be better if I change it to --->' I was the only audience of their performance  who was totally bewitched by their fantastic song.' ?

jochen987654

I was the only audience of their performance who was totally bewitched by their fantastic song.

I think it is better.

It seems like a tragety, but the birds may have their reason(s) to leave their father. As humans always do that.

abbozto

Of course the example in #4 is a good choice as well. I just raised that example since I couldn't find that kind of structure.

Well, is it a DSE topic or free writing only? It's more difficult to tell if it's a free writing (as you just wrote "The Birds" in the title).

jochen987654

DSE topic is "Learning English though xxxxxxx",
and it give you some details to help you finish the writing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last sentence of paragraph 2

He was the shelter of his children, as well as mine.

I think you can talk about yourself at the end of the story. How do you get along with your parent? Do you behave like the birds in the story?
Because my English is extremely bad, I can only use Chinese below. I'm sorry><
從這句我看得出,樓主其實是以小鳥來比喻自己,對吧?(錯的話下面可以不用看)
故事沒有大問題,不過結尾反而忽略了情意表達,只用一兩句作為收筆,雖然表達的情感很直接,不過可以再加多少少,例如是反思自己對父親的行為,等等

darkwww

Re aboyu : It's a piece of free writing only, but also a practice for HKDSE.

Re jochen987654  : It fact, I aim at expressing the mood of being isolated and the loneliness of it. (Friendship) How would you suggest to reflect the relationship of getting lonely at the end ? Thanks for giving me comment.

Besides the errors found in #2, here is another  change :

1. . I failed to stop my tears came out from my eyes and my heart was already flooded. --->. I failed to stop my tears  and my heart was already flooded.