[English writing]Exercise in the run-up to DSE

Redfield

Domestic violence – the worst way to solve domestic dispute

  Recently, there were a series of family tragedy on the headline for most of the papers. Like the case of a man who killed his wife and two daughters at home, has sent the shockwaves throughout the city.

  The case I had mentioned is only the tip of the iceberg. We would never know the exact figures as many domestic violence cases go unreported. Extreme cases can lead to buskin. Facing the soaring rate of cases, Every parties in the society should take part in order to allviate the problem. Firstly, Government should introduce tougher legislation. It can act as a deterrent against potential offenders. For example, the penalty of the offenders could be sent to jail for years.

  Afterthat, the subsidy provided to the non-governmental community center from the goverment should be higher, in order to keep their quality of service. In Hongkong, there are a numbers of this kind of centres, like Harmony House. They have set a hotline to help children voice their frustations and feelings.

  Moreover, Government can solve this problem by considering the cause of Domestic violence. Hong kong still has a high unempolyment rate and parents face a lot of stress. The pressure could built up and people may easily take out their frustation on families. Therefore, Government can think of different methods to improve the situation. Like the building of more infrastructure, which can provide job opportunities to citizens so as to maintain their livelihood.

  Also, the most fundamental concern is the lack of communication among family members. The lack of communication would lead to the misunderstanding in-between the family. They seldom consider the others but only themselves. Then the misunderstanding will be inflated, and solicit domestic violence. Government could pay painstaking effort to advertise the importance of communication among family, and educate public about the solution whenever there is a quarrel in between the family, promote the message that communication is the best way but never resort to violence.

  Apart from the solutions, we should also pay special attention to the children in the families which suffer from domestic violence. The domestic violence often has a negative impact on children’s growth and development. They may mimic their parents and resort to violence to solve their problems. Some of them may be lonely, introverted and hot-tempered, and feel unloved. So the department should provide the well-developed counselling, guidance and assistance to them. And protect them from acting bad.

  Last but not least, I believe no one is willing to let our society to be rife with domestic violence. If you see your neighbourhood is needed help, please give a hand and tell, violence is the worst way to solve domestic dispute.




那個，在這裡弱弱地問下，請問有什麼作title的好方法？

secret

Is this an argumentative essay?
It's better not to use too many  "I" or "we"  in the essay. (Using "you" in an essay is considered rude, by the way)

I usually put title into this format : X VS. Y, however, it does not fit your case. Perhaps you can make up a pun or a verbal irony, or just keep it as it is.

---
1."Every" is mostly followed by a singular noun, so it should be "Every party should..."
2. "For example, the penalty of the offenders could be sent to jail for years."|
     <The subject should be the "offenders", not the penalty
3.  "The pressure could built up and people may easily take out their frustration on families."
      <If it is passive voice, then it should be "could be built up"
4. "They seldom consider the others but only themselves."
      < The subject is not clear in this sentence. If "they" refers to the "family members", then it could be counted as committing the fallacy of hasty generalization, since this term is referring to all "family members of all families ", unless you're pointing at a specific family.
5. "And protect them from acting bad"
     < This sentence seems a bit odd. What is the definition of "bad" in this essay? An aggressive behavior, or the use of violence?

darkwww

Another English writing ^^
The topic of your article is 'Domestic violence – the worst way to solve domestic dispute' In order to suit the topic, I think you should firstly talk about the reasons why domestic violence is the worst way to solve domestic dispute and suggest the method to deal with it later. You may think that everyone should know domestic violence isn't a good way. However, if you describ the problems it causes, your article will be more persuasive.

Furthermore, at the end of your article, I advise you to write the following things. First and foremost, an argumentative essay always requires a conclusion, which is a brief summary of your points given. Of course, the wording of a conclusion should be precise so that your readers won't be bored. Secondly, to impress your readers, asking questions to lead them to think is a good choice. For example, you may ask ' If the domestic violence continues to exist in HK, what would our next generation becomes?'

Redfield

謝COMMENT
請問這篇文有機會取3/4等嗎？
我的英文作文很爛……唉，英文要3/4才能入大學……

sy

雖然你用簡單句式
但你vocab豐富，應該不難4
不過，proofread有沒？

secret

I think it'd be a good idea to focus on grammar. The whole essay would be more persuasive if the essay is error-free. There are good points in the essay, but the sentence structure could be improved to make your argument easier to understand.

abbozto

Well, English writing is different from the Chinese counterpart. Usually the question is longer and contains more information which tells you what to include in the article. (I suppose it's an article, is it?) Thus it's somehow difficult to determine if the content is relevant or not, or a well-balanced structure is adopted or not.

Of course I found the content relevant, though it's a bit confusing. You'd mentioned 4 (or 5, the last is hard to tell) ways to solve the problem, but the points are not very clearly presented. (I must emphasize very. I did find the points, but it's quite difficult to realize the 4th point.) I'm not sure if you have your very own structure to write an article. However, you ought to write in a way which is easy for examiners to read and follow your ideas.

Well, as I read the title, I thought I encountered something similar before. So I suppose the question would require you todescribe the problem and suggest ways to solve the problem. (Did it?) If that's the case, separate the items.
Anyway, it'd be better if you make a suggestion first, followed by elaboration. If you now take a close look at the 4th point, the problem exists. Mention the suggestion first (advertise the importance of communication) and then give reasons so as to support your idea (lack of communication as the fundamental concern). You know ... examiners have to mark loads of writings, and may not afford to read each writing many times to understand your idea. If you give your suggestion first at the beginning of a paragraph, the examiner (as well as you) will benefit.

Errors detected/ suggestions:
P2: No 'the' should be used before 'society'. (Gosh, I've made this error more than thrice since F6)
P4: Be careful when you capitalize words, though you may just have typing errors.
P5: Government could pay ... resort to violence. The sentence is too long. Due to the inclusion of clauses, the sentence seems clumsy and readers would lose track ... I just asked, "What's the subject?" I agree to using complex sentences, but ... well I suppose it's too much here.
I suppose the title is not bad, but it's better if the title can summarize you main body - suggestions. I once used the following title for an article introducing ways to learn and use English: English Everywhere. (Then 3 methods were suggested.) So if I were you, I'd use: Domestic Violence - Ways to Tackle It.
The problem is, I (or we) don't know the format of this writing: article or essay? If it's an essay, do as mentioned as in #2. If it's an article, appealing is vital. Asking questions is a way to appeal to readers. You can address to readers' possible concerns as well.

If the structure is more balanced, getting a Level 4 is not that difficult. There's a lack of explanation for the 2nd method.

darkwww

回復 7# aboyu

Totally agree with his (or her ?) comment. The title of your article is 'Domestic violence – the worst way to solve domestic dispute' . Therefore, I think this article should include the following stuff:

1. Suggest the reason why you think domestic violence is the worst way to solve domestic dispute. That is, explaining and describing the issue. I know you have written a bit about this, but I have to say that it is too little.

2. Suggest the methods to tackle domestic violence. That's what you've done, so I don't  talk about it.

3. Suggest other ways to deal with  domestic dispute so that people would use them instead. Again, you have written about it but just inadequate.

All in all, if your target ranking is level 4, you should focus on 2-3 points in an article and elaborate them in detail, but not putting so much fragile points in your article. I think your wide range of vocabulary can support you to achieve your aim. However, hard work on grammar is also crucial.

gabriel3212006

Use more Passive Voice.